once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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