Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
