The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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