Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
