Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
