After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
