I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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