Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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