Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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