My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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