I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
