The maid of honor just puked.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
