nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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