I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
