Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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