I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
