Porn is love you can see.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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