Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
