Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
