This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
