Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So vagazzling was a success
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
