So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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