There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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