My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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