The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
