I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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