I just threw up on my dentist
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
