we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got inside last night via doggy door
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
