Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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