your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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