I feel like abortions should bother me more
She even gives head with a lisp.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
