Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
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I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
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I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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