I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Less talking, more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize