At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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