Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
