No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
