I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
