Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think your dad took our porno
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
