You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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