The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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