New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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