Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
