He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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