We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
