She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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