I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
