meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
