woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
