mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
