then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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