He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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