so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
