Where did you get a picture of my penis
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
