Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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