my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
