you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
