hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
